Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize