pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
