You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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