I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
