The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
