Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
