On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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