made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
