When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
