Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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