I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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