This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
