Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
even my farts smell like vagina
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
