Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
