Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize