i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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