I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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