Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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