1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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