Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
