I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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