Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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