i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
