The maid of honor just puked.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize