There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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