I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
