so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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