can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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