my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
