Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
