But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well I just put wine in my tea
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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