just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
