I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
