My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
