Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
