I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
