mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
