god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
