I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
