He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
