me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
