Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
