You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can you bring me the toilet please
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
