I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize