I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
