I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
