I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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