life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
