Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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