I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
is wine microwaveable?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
