Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
