I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
