This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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