I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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